going home

So as I write this I am delaying packing for Buffalo. See it isn't that I don't want to go to Buffalo. I do want to go, just not for this reason. The other thing is how do you know what to pack to wear to your own niece's funeral? I mean how am I supposed to know these things. This isn't supposed to happen.

Nicole was born too early and with so much fight. She had to fight, and fight hard. And she did for 3 days. But her little heart couldn't do it. She left to be with the angels. It doesn't make it any easier. And nor does it make me anymore accepting of the fact that she has gone to be with God.

I guess this whole post started off as a ramble. I have a purpose to this I swear. You see I am writing because I am mad. I am mad at God. I don't see why my niece, my sweet little innocent niece had to be the angel for another family. Why her death, which will lead to research, has to benefit another family, when it is hurting my family so much. I just don't understand. I know it is not made for me to understand. I know I am not supposed to know. I know He has a plan but it doesn't make me any less angry about it.

I just am not sure where my thoughts are on this one. I know that Nicole's going home ( I absolutely refuse to use passing away, or death) was a way to make our family grow stronger. Nicole has gone home to be with the angels. She is not lost, she is not gone. She is just in another place. I know that death is a hard thing to deal with, I understand that, but I feel like a senseless death, a death with no one to really blame, it is so much harder for me. I can't even begin to understand it. I don't know how to picture it or put the pieces together.

I want this to be a bad dream. I want to wake up and everything to be okay again. It isn't and it won't be. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it.

So everyone.... those are my thoughts tonight.... kind of jumbled, but thats what I am thinking.

I hope everyone is well.

JMS -ilu and I am proud of you


XoXo
Amanda