Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's been awhile

So yeah... I am bad and haven't written in awhile. In my defense I have been busy but still it doesn't mean I should neglect writting. I am working on changing that. I promise.

Anyway today I feel the need to write about something that I have been thinking about for awhile. See for awhile I have been thinking about my rheumatiod arthritis and why me. Sometimes when I am having a flare up, like I currently am, I get these thoughts in my head. Basically I think why me, why do I have to RA?

Sometimes I think to myself that I shouldn't have to deal with this. 8 years after the diagnosis and I still question things sometimes. I mean I know my questioning isn't going to do anything. I mean no matter how much I question and feel bad for myself it isn't going to change that I have RA. It isn't going to change that I live my everyday life in pain.

I feel like now my RA is just a part of my life. I try to live my life in spite of it, instead of letting it control me. That all being said I still have my bad days. The past few days were those days. I started back to thinking... why me... what did I do to deserve this? But I realize that there is no reason that I have this. It is no one's fault. It just is. I know that I was given this struggle because I was strong to endure it. I know that God gave me this journey to make me stronger. I understand this. But somedays I lose sight of this. And it disappoints me.

I feel like people who live everyday with something like RA, or lupus or any other disease or syndrome that results in constant pain, those people are strong. I want to be one of those people. And usually I feel like I am. Just haven't felt that way lately.

So alot of times I don't tell people I have RA. I don't think it is anyone's business. I feel like when I tell people they tend to treat me differently. They act as though there are things I can't do. Yes there are things I can't do, but I promise I will tell you if I can't do something. I promise I will tell you if it hurts.... well maybe. But really thats the reason I tend not to tell people about my RA. I just want to be normal. I know that I am not necessarily normal but I try my best to be as normal as possible.

So yeah those are my thoughts today. Thats what I had to get out. I feel somewhat better just writing it.

Hope everyone is doing well. I promise to write a more positive post soon.

JMS- I'm proud of you. just so you know.